Imagine..one morning you opened your eyes and your entire body felt like it was on fire, not only that but you couldn’t move. You are stuck, stiff, and fragile feeling. The ache is..everywhere, from your fingertips, down your arms, back, legs, right down to your toes. It hurts to move even the slightest finger..but it hurts to lay there. You let out a soft cry that only you can hear, you can’t call for help…but inside you’re screaming. “Why is my body on fire!?” You think…You cannot look down to see if you really are on fire or not, from the sensation you really can’t tell. You gaze at your arm that lay by your side, you’re laying on your stomach so this is your only visual of your body…nothing seems to be awry. You cannot pinpoint where the pain, the tension, and the fire is coming from. As you look at your arm closer you notice it’s extremely tensed, almost to the point of pulsating. You cry as you flatten your hand on the bed, trying to carefully examine the pain. You decide to just lay there, so tired..so stiff..and in pure agony…everything aches..your face is pounding, even your eyes and teeth seem to be sore. You drift back to sleep..your only sanctuary at this moment.
An hour later you awaken again, the pain seems to have dulled slightly, and you have regained a little movement in your arms and torso..you look at the clock and realize you won’t be making it to class today..the morning events wiped you out at 2 hrs past your class. You groan…and then try to push yourself all the way vertical..your teeth clamp down and your jaw muscles clenched in pain as you maneuver your body off the bed. You feel suddenly very dizzy..as if you got up too suddenly, but that wasn’t the case, you got up slow as molasses. You gently pull the covers off only to let out a cry…someone left the a/c on all night, the chill licks your skin like fire, and the dampness of the morning lingers in the air..sending that dull ache into a frenzy. You try to be strong, and take a step off the bed..thump..you’re on the ground. Your knees couldn’t hold you, and your head is swimming..in a deep fog. You take a moment to lay on the ground…then decide it was safer to crawl…still just as painful but far less of a fall. You get to a phone and try dialing the doctor..you have no idea what’s wrong…your hands shaking…you start to dial as you cry in pain…your fingernails are sore and throbbing…you think..”am I dying?”
After much pain and frustration you finally get a hold of someone, they of course tell you to come in…you pull yourself up the counter in the bathroom…taking a gander in the mirror at yourself..you look pale, gaunt, sunken in eyes, cheeks, you look like death… you get someone to take you to the doctor..they don’t know what’s wrong with you..so they decide to run as many tests as they can on you to rule it all out..10+ viles of blood, 2-3x-rays, and 3 pee tests later they still find nothing wrong with you…you never would’ve thought you would want to hear a diagnosis…until now…you fear the worst..but you don’t know what to fear..except pain for the rest of your life.
A year later..they’re still running you through tests..claiming it’s a psychological disorder..your just anxious, depressed, bi-polar, stressed…all of the above…yes you are all of these things..but that’s not it..you’ve been dealing with these other things most of your life..you should know by now how they feel right? Well the doctors think they know you better..and continue now to brush you off to the psychology department. Then one day something else happens..the pain begins to migrate around your body. You can literally feel the pain moving..up and down your arm..into your leg..the over to your face..you look up the symptoms..and finally something matches..but it can’t be that..but could it? Fibromy-what? Musculoskeletal disorder? You decide to go to the doctors again after hrs of research..they look and listen to what you have to say..and then..nod in agreement…”Why didn’t I think of that?” they say..and then ask for you to run more tests..including one called a trigger point test…11 of 18 must be tender to even be considered to have Fibromyalgia..and about 15 of them are tender..and you find out you are also hyper-mobile (double jointed..allowing joints to become loose) which is another symptom of fibromyalgia…suddenly the bruxism throughout your life makes sense, the leg pains in your childhood years they said was “growing pains”..it all came together…then you look at the causes..what could have caused this? Stress? Depression? That wisdom teeth surgery? Anxiety? Actually..it’s all of them and more.
Fibromyalgia is an illness that affects physical, cognitive, coordination, and social relationships. It continues to wear out the victim’s immune system through constantly causing, these effects. It can be brought(possibly caused) on by Trauma(car accident, death of loved one, surgery, injury), Stress, Anxiety, lack of or over exercising, an illness compromising the immune system, hereditary, Depression, and an imbalance in hormones/chemicals. What causes it? We don’t know, we just know it’s a lot of things mixed together that usually cause it to trigger. It can cause/and be triggered on general daily basis by fatigue, fibrofog(brain fog/inability to think), memory loss, dizziness, nausea, aching, temperature sensitivity(ex. cold=achy Hot=nausea), Sound sensitivity, Photosensitivity, odor sensitivity, bruxism, TMJ, IBS, constant ache from severe to dull, morning stiffness, migrating ache, burning sensation, tingling sensations, irritability, chemical sensitivity, blurred vision, processed food sensitivity, Sometimes it comes and pays a visit for no reason at all….and many other causes exist..waaay too many to name..so this is just a glimpse of what a person with Fibro has to go through..everyone is different…everyone has different symptoms…but just because you can’t see it..doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
I just want to cry..not that I haven’t enough already…tonight was just..not okay..I feel like I’m always in the wrong..I’m a horrible person…I just hate myself at this point…I just want to sleep all my hopelessness away..I feel no matter how hard I try or don’t try or change something around it never seems to matter…I’m just a waste of space..can’t make anyone happy…I’m a shitty ass person..and girlfriend…I just want to lay in the shower and self-loath while I cry my eyes out…it’s just been a bad night..and I feel it’s all might fault..what started good ended badly…maybe it’s just because I’m tired and stressed I feel this way..but I had to get it out…I just wish other’s knew what I felt inside…and where my mind wanders off to….I love and hate myself at the same time..it’s a bitter sweet relationship…that’s how I feel about people in general…I’m just tired! Tired of people no understanding me….tired of not understanding myself…all I want to do is curl up into a little ball..under my blankets..with my cat…and sleep…I just feel so misunderstood and alone..I also feel like shit…emotionally..mentally..physically…maybe it’s just better to keep my thoughts to myself…or maybe..me to myself..
[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: Mental illnesses interfere with academic performance - “You have to take personal responsibility”]
I’ve been playing the Sims 3, a bit lately…and just got new explansions…I finally found something that will keep my mind occupied when I’m having anxiety and something to occupy myself when I can’t think or get out of bed..I mean..living other’s lives is a full time job when you’re playing lol…I also am getting artsy with it too..I haven’t been artistic in quite a while..I’ve also been busy cleaning a lot..just finished the entire house…I’m exhausted…The diet is going good..still keeping up n my nutrition…if any of you play sims or are interested in the other things I’m doing you can look at my “Simblr” here: http://similishious.tumblr.com/ I also have a spiritual/pagan blog on tumblr as well http://sunshinewitchie.tumblr.com/ if you want to check that out as well… :}…It’s been a busy couple of weeks..all I want to do right now..is sleep…and Fibro has been attacking the past couple of days as well..bleh..thank goodness for Mary Jane and Vicodin. Oh! And my Dad finally brought up taking me to the Chiropractor sometime next week or so…we sha’ll see
On a good note..got a lot accomplished today..woke up with Robert, went to class, then after classes went with Robert to help his mom…who isn’t sure whether to pack or to make her house look better…so we cleaned..Robert dealt with a lot of his mom’s paperwork and then he cleaned the kitchen and made dinner..I cleaned the microwave and cleaned out the fridge and freezer…to where they were sparkling..idk if you know how hard cleaning the fridge is..but I don’t even like to do that at my house..but along with fibro..omg…and then while Robert was making dinner I took her dog out for a walk..which I don’t believe it’s ever really had one..she was so excited..tracking like a hound..she’s a beagle..anyways..I ran her little body til she seemed tired and content and slowed her tracking a bit…then we ate dinner and went back to my house..and then washed my cat…KeeKee who peed on herself last night when we took her to the vet…poor thing..I couldn’t even wash her I was in so much pain from the fibro..but she cleaned herself pretty well for the time being..She literally had 5 mins to wait til we got home then she took a pee..we were like 2 blocks away from our house in the first place…sigh..lol…but she’s squeeky clean now..and it was nice that Robert was here to help..she’s so easy in the bath I am lucky…but just with fibro it’s hard on me body…now I’m aboot to ptfo…I hope..please insomnia don’t pay me a visit tonight..
The most common form of electrical stimulation used for pain management is transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) therapy, which provides short-term pain relief. Electrical nerve stimulation and electrothermal therapy are used to relieve pain associated with various conditions,…
It’s starting to get worse too..no matter how little I move…probably from drinking with my boyfriend and our friends last night :/…but at least it was fun..we watched Thor on Rifftrax (a site that has humorous commentary for movies/bad movies) and they drank rum and coke and I had Tequila and Coke..needless to say I got pretty drunk..but not drunk enough to even get a hang over..and now I feel like I have one..like 4 hours after I woke up and ate a good meal..sigh..oh well..I decided to load my “Sims 3” pc game that I let Robert borrow into my laptop..I decided since yesterday and all this weekend I’ve been moderately good on keeping up with my homework..and I finished ALL my Astronomy homework last night and some nutrition..through fibrofog..and Got 2 A’s on my last exams and an A on my Project..which the next one Im a bit a head on..and I’ve kept up on my diet and recording it..Robert’s been a great help, we even did yoga together yesterday..which may account for my pain today as well…along with other…activities :}…I feel I can take today and relax and enjoy my sunday…even though I’m in aching pain..well now I can play sims 3…which will distract me and make me laugh….hope everyone else’s day is a bit better and less painful than mine..enjoy your sunday guys :}