Working on Disability paperwork for Medical..I really hope this gets me medical..it will totally help me get a bit further with the whole disability process. I am typing up all my answers in order to give them as much detail into my illness as possible..I am exhausted and still have about 2 and a half pages left..but I’m feeling pretty positive about it.
which he lives 40 mins away, and has to cross a $5 toll bridge to get to my house…he offered to bring it back to me..but I declined..and told him not to stress about it…just looks like I’m going to have to be super careful on my way to school this week. Thank you fibrofog.
Stressed..I have two exams tomorrow and a research paper due. My Dad and I were supposed to go to get a cat for him today, but sadly, he cancelled on me ..again…Friday he says after it was “forshur wednesday”…it’s a cat in a SHELTER they can be euthanized, or adopted..I hope they’re still there.. but it was probably for the better since I have so much work to do…study for my math exam/finish all the buttloads of math I haven’t had time to complete (hopefully once I catch up, Ill stay caught up)..study for my human development exam..in which I don’t have the fucking book!!!!!! There wasn’t a used one at the Bookstore, and the reg. price is almost 200…which I’ve never paid over 150 to get alll my books..I shop online and use the library’s copies to my advantage…but they don’t have a copy of that in..of course…someone walked off with the only copy. -.-* So I order the international version, since it’s the only cheap one they have..it arrived a week ago..I live in an apartment so they have to leave a note to let me know it exists…I didn’t know til today…and not only that…but they sent me the WRONG COPY!!!!!!!!!! And Wrong EDITION! WTF!? I feel like ripping all my hair out..curling up into a ball and cry…and just lay in bed all day and watch netflix..the stress is already getting to the fibro..not only that but fall is starting to show up..fall and especially winter is my favorite time of year..but ever since last year..since I completely developed fibro..I can’t enjoy it..the deep ache is back..I thought spring and summer were bad on and off…but that sharp..knife down to the bone is back…the cold licks my skin like fire…it hurts..more than I remembered..spring and summer are like heaven compared to this..I wonder how I’m going to get through this semester….Idk what to do about the book…I can send it back..but Ill just have to wait longer to get the right version…hopefully get the right version..I also have to find a Doctor…everything’s falling on me…and I didn’t even get to go to Burning Man this year…I want to go home so fucking bad..my heart aches..it makes everyday there and after worth living..I will not miss it again…IDC who goes or not…I will get there..I will go home next year. And finally I also have a research paper in Art history due tomorrow as well…it’s so ridiculous.
Regardless of all this shit falling on me…at least I have my family, friends, and the love(s) of my life Robert, My Cat KeeKee, and his/our dog Princess…friendships have been rekindled over the past weekend, and I don’t regret any of it…I’m glad…
I guess I’m off to try and finish this enormous amount of homework… :[
Imagine..one morning you opened your eyes and your entire body felt like it was on fire, not only that but you couldn’t move. You are stuck, stiff, and fragile feeling. The ache is..everywhere, from your fingertips, down your arms, back, legs, right down to your toes. It hurts to move even the slightest finger..but it hurts to lay there. You let out a soft cry that only you can hear, you can’t call for help…but inside you’re screaming. “Why is my body on fire!?” You think…You cannot look down to see if you really are on fire or not, from the sensation you really can’t tell. You gaze at your arm that lay by your side, you’re laying on your stomach so this is your only visual of your body…nothing seems to be awry. You cannot pinpoint where the pain, the tension, and the fire is coming from. As you look at your arm closer you notice it’s extremely tensed, almost to the point of pulsating. You cry as you flatten your hand on the bed, trying to carefully examine the pain. You decide to just lay there, so tired..so stiff..and in pure agony…everything aches..your face is pounding, even your eyes and teeth seem to be sore. You drift back to sleep..your only sanctuary at this moment.
An hour later you awaken again, the pain seems to have dulled slightly, and you have regained a little movement in your arms and torso..you look at the clock and realize you won’t be making it to class today..the morning events wiped you out at 2 hrs past your class. You groan…and then try to push yourself all the way vertical..your teeth clamp down and your jaw muscles clenched in pain as you maneuver your body off the bed. You feel suddenly very dizzy..as if you got up too suddenly, but that wasn’t the case, you got up slow as molasses. You gently pull the covers off only to let out a cry…someone left the a/c on all night, the chill licks your skin like fire, and the dampness of the morning lingers in the air..sending that dull ache into a frenzy. You try to be strong, and take a step off the bed..thump..you’re on the ground. Your knees couldn’t hold you, and your head is swimming..in a deep fog. You take a moment to lay on the ground…then decide it was safer to crawl…still just as painful but far less of a fall. You get to a phone and try dialing the doctor..you have no idea what’s wrong…your hands shaking…you start to dial as you cry in pain…your fingernails are sore and throbbing…you think..”am I dying?”
After much pain and frustration you finally get a hold of someone, they of course tell you to come in…you pull yourself up the counter in the bathroom…taking a gander in the mirror at yourself..you look pale, gaunt, sunken in eyes, cheeks, you look like death… you get someone to take you to the doctor..they don’t know what’s wrong with you..so they decide to run as many tests as they can on you to rule it all out..10+ viles of blood, 2-3x-rays, and 3 pee tests later they still find nothing wrong with you…you never would’ve thought you would want to hear a diagnosis…until now…you fear the worst..but you don’t know what to fear..except pain for the rest of your life.
A year later..they’re still running you through tests..claiming it’s a psychological disorder..your just anxious, depressed, bi-polar, stressed…all of the above…yes you are all of these things..but that’s not it..you’ve been dealing with these other things most of your life..you should know by now how they feel right? Well the doctors think they know you better..and continue now to brush you off to the psychology department. Then one day something else happens..the pain begins to migrate around your body. You can literally feel the pain moving..up and down your arm..into your leg..the over to your face..you look up the symptoms..and finally something matches..but it can’t be that..but could it? Fibromy-what? Musculoskeletal disorder? You decide to go to the doctors again after hrs of research..they look and listen to what you have to say..and then..nod in agreement…”Why didn’t I think of that?” they say..and then ask for you to run more tests..including one called a trigger point test…11 of 18 must be tender to even be considered to have Fibromyalgia..and about 15 of them are tender..and you find out you are also hyper-mobile (double jointed..allowing joints to become loose) which is another symptom of fibromyalgia…suddenly the bruxism throughout your life makes sense, the leg pains in your childhood years they said was “growing pains”..it all came together…then you look at the causes..what could have caused this? Stress? Depression? That wisdom teeth surgery? Anxiety? Actually..it’s all of them and more.
Fibromyalgia is an illness that affects physical, cognitive, coordination, and social relationships. It continues to wear out the victim’s immune system through constantly causing, these effects. It can be brought(possibly caused) on by Trauma(car accident, death of loved one, surgery, injury), Stress, Anxiety, lack of or over exercising, an illness compromising the immune system, hereditary, Depression, and an imbalance in hormones/chemicals. What causes it? We don’t know, we just know it’s a lot of things mixed together that usually cause it to trigger. It can cause/and be triggered on general daily basis by fatigue, fibrofog(brain fog/inability to think), memory loss, dizziness, nausea, aching, temperature sensitivity(ex. cold=achy Hot=nausea), Sound sensitivity, Photosensitivity, odor sensitivity, bruxism, TMJ, IBS, constant ache from severe to dull, morning stiffness, migrating ache, burning sensation, tingling sensations, irritability, chemical sensitivity, blurred vision, processed food sensitivity, Sometimes it comes and pays a visit for no reason at all….and many other causes exist..waaay too many to name..so this is just a glimpse of what a person with Fibro has to go through..everyone is different…everyone has different symptoms…but just because you can’t see it..doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Information Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/panic-attacks/DS00338
Let me tell you a little bit about Panic attacks. A panic attack is an episode of intense fear that triggers physical reactions when there is no danger or cause. This of course can be very frightening to the person undergoing the panic attack. They can even think they are dying!
Some other people think they are having a heart attack or just losing control of their body in general. What a horrible thing to go through!
Well…since I have had panic attacks…I know EXACTLY what those people are going through. It does feel like your losing control. I never thought I was having a heart attack though. I just felt like I was losing control over myself and i didn’t like it one bit.
While most people have one or two panic attacks in their lifetime, people with Panic Disorder have many more… That’s me…I had many…
Once upon a time, people didn’t recognize Panic attacks as a real medical condition, but now they do. For me, panic attacks really affected my life. But now they are treated well.
I have anger and irritability with my panic attacks. It’s like a storm coming forth…
Spending a lot of time on my county medical forms…trying to get some form of medical..I need to be seeing a doctor and collecting more for my records if I want to recieve Disability at some point. This may also make me eligible for Medi-cal and help me with my disability forms..*crosses fingers* About to smoke a bowl and continue this…confusing…irritating…knitpicky…paperwork..(in which I got super late so I have to have it turned in by tomorrow!! OMFG How am I going to get all the paperwork they ask for…let alone figure out what paperwork they’re asking for lmao)whilst watching old Disney/Animated Movies of my childhood and eating English Toffee…then tomorrow…..gotta drive me mum to her surgery appt. for her foot, and find all my medical records including whatever else they ask for..my guess is it’s going to be a lot of waiting, driving, and frustration tomorrow..Not exactly how I planned to spend My 5th Year anniversary of Practicing Witchcraft/Paganism…or being on my path..and Deciding to Dedicate myself to Nature and the Universe/God/dess tomorrow…I’m going to be so wiped tomorrow..I can just feel it…and I know Fibro won’t be helping.